Well it's one thing for me to stop performing for a while but the problem now is...I have no outlet. I'm a creative being. I need to be creative in some way.
I took a break because my performing life was getting too demanding of my time and energy. It was too hard for me to maintain balance while operating this musical glitter monster, and still be a good mother, a good wife, and good friend. I was not coping well with the rushing, transportation issues, schedules, will I have a babysitter? business, promo, deadlines, rehearsals, appearances, meetings, and the overall lack of compensation for all said frustrations. I was tired of having to worry about every last detail for every gig, every week only to be handed 50 to a 100 dollars.
I had no time for even the very creative process that started the whole damn thing. Nothing was being created anymore. I found myself feeling violated. Suffocated. I was drained. I needed time for my family, my friends, for me. To just do nothing for a while.
Well, I'm all done doing nothing. But I don't want all that madness again. The freaky part is, it's waiting for me...in a month I could be that busy again if I call it on...that scares me a little. It's like, there's this accomplishment that actually stalks me...looms in the shadows...waiting for me to touch it again. I can nearly relate it to addiction.
My problem right now is that I'm in this sort "instant gratification" mode. I want it something done, and I want to get it done now. Like sex. You want it, you have it, your hopefully sassified and then you are pleased. Well...the arts aren't so much like that. Everything takes time. Time to learn, practice, study, try, fail etc. I totally believe in the joy in the journey, but seriously, I'm not not at that point at the moment.
The worst part is...that for every idea in my heart and mind thats pleading to get out into the world, there is a different medium. Peotry/songs, music, paint, photography, dance, film. Some of which are interchangable, most are translatable.
My feeling and hope is that this intense build up is going to result in the most wonderful ouput I'll experience. Goddess knows how long it will take. In the meantime maybe I should go back to my roots and do some improv.
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