What My Husband Says

Why This Man Should Not Teach Geography

"I put the HUNG GARY in Hungary!"

Keep On Keepin' On

"I just want to get from point A to B - but there's F, U, C, and K in between!"

Protection Services

As demonstrated in an earlier post, my husband doesn't care much to speak to telemarketers.  The only thing he hates worse than telemarketers, are collection agents.

Now, due to a long series of complicated and completely flaberghasting events, my student loan wound up in the hands of a collection agency.  I tried very hard to be as cooperative and civil as I could given that my ending up in collections was not *entirely* my fault.  My only fault was believing and trusting that the folks at National Student Loan knew what they were talking about. I am digressing out of a built in defensiveness I have in regard to this whole mess.

After having serveral emotionally charged conversations with several agents over several years and after several payments, we have managed to get this debt cleared up.  However, just a week before we planned on paying this off, the following exchange occured between said collection agency's eager-to-get-a-payment-bonus agent and my husband.

Agent:  "Hi is Laura there?"

Gary: "Who's this?"

A: It's Jay

NOTE: notice his "calling as a friend" tactic.

G: Oh, Jay!  Where are you calling from Jay?

A: Edmonton.

G: Ah, Jay from Edmonton.  Well, Jay from Edmonton - why are you calling my wife?

A: It's a personal matter.

G: Well Jay from Edmonton, I'm Laura's husband, and any personal matter of hers, is a personal matter of mine.  So how can I assist you Jay?

A: I'm not allowed to discuss this with you. 

G:  Ah, well Jay from Edmonton - I suppose you aren't her friend am I correct?

A: I am calling from *bleep* Financial and your wife's account is outstanding and we require payment.

G:  Well Jay from Edmonton, why didn't you just say so in the first place! I can help you out with that!  We are planning to pay it in full.  Just like my wife told you 2 days ago.

A: I need a date commitment on that.

G: I'm sure you do, but I'm not giving one to you - So this concludes this conversation.

Gary hangs up the phone.

Beleive it or not - the agent calls back.

G: Hello?

A: Uh, I don't beleive I was rude to you sir.  You hung up. Now if I can just get that commitment date for payment?

G: Wow.  I really have to commend your boss!

A:  Uh, commend my boss?  Why?

G: For hiring the mentally defficient!

Gary hangs up the phone laughing his ass.

The thought of Jay from Edmonton's stunned face from being so blind-sidedly and badly burned had Gary and I laughing uncontrollably for a few hours.  It was even more fun playing out the conversation should Jay from Edmonton be so retarded to call again.

Here's what we came up with:

A:  Hi, It's Jay from *bleep* Financial, I don't appreciate you hanging up on me like that. I require that date for payment.

G:  Oh Jay from Edmonton, I'm so sorry.  I was WAY out of line there.  I feel just awful about all this.  When I said I should commend you're bosses for hiring the mentally defficient, I was really not giving the mentally defficient enough credit.  I was wrong for suggesting the mentally defficient were at the same mental capacity as you.  They are certainly far more intelligent and qualified.

I am relieved that the debt is paid off and I'll never have to talk to any one of those fucktards again.  But at the same time - they did come as a source of fun.

More Words Of Wisdom

"It could be worse. You could be a Scientologist...then nobody would like you."

Words of Wisdom

Back when Gary was still Djing, the average time he would arrive home from his Saturday night shift would be 4:30am.  His routine would be to first bolt up the stairs to relieve his busting bladder from the commute.  Next, he'd come into the bedroom, empty his pockets and change into some pj's. 

One night, as I lay peacefully sleeping in bed, he came into the bedroom to empty his pockets as usual.  Only this time, he thought he'd take some time to look for something.  My eyes still closed, I begin to conciously register that he is rustling around.  Then, FLICK!  He turns on the light.  I burry my head into the pillow to hide my eyes from the searing light.  He opens his top drawer and begins to rustle around.  I silently hoped that he would find whatever it was he was looking for and get out of the bedroom.  The rustling continues for a few minutes.  He was opening and closing drawers, rustling, dropping things, rustling, rythmically taking big deep annoyed breaths, rustling, rustling rustling.

"OH SHIT GARY LOOK FOR IT TOMMOROW!" I said springing my head up from the pillow.
"Have you seen my to-do list?" He says not even pausing his search to acknowledge my tired plea.
"What?! NO! Look for it tommorow! Why do you insist on doing this now?! Please!  Let me go back to sleep!"
He takes a deep breath and in a calm and universally wise tone he begins "Well, you know what they say..."
I waited for a moment, listening in anticipation that he would say something that would ease my half asleep mind.
"Shut up Laura!"

What My Husband Says

Hi, I'm my husband's wife.

I have been with my husband for nearly eight years.   Through the years I have often wished I had a recording device to capture some of the crazy, funny, insane, and irrational things that have come out of his mouth.

My husband is a former DJ of 10 years.  He is currently working toward a welding career, but at the moment, he is working a very physically demanding job to ensure that his family doesn't starve. Thanks husband!

Aside from being a hard working man and a hot ass husband, he is a devoted and loving father to our 2.5 year old son, he's a musician, an improvisor (of the theatre/comedy variety) and an overall creative genius.   But then, I am his wife...you'll have to take my word for it.

My husband is known for being "brutally honest".  I beleive that there is a difference between being honest, and having no inner monologue.  It is fair to say that he is in fact both brutally honest and he has absolutely no problem blurting out whatever he might be thinking 95% of the time.  What about the other 5% you ask?  Well, that percentage is being used up by his unbelievable ability to memorize sports, music and pop culture factoids. 

I intend to use this blog as a way of immortalizing some of the gems that my husband comes up with during our day to day lives.

This blog is also a loving wife's profession of love.  A love for a man who is an absolute joy and a mind-numbing challenge to be with. 

Do Not Call List

A recent exchange between a telemarketer and my husband:

"Hello Sir, how are you today?"

"I'd be a whole lot better if I were taken off that little call list of yours."

More On Whining

"You know, I think I've heard enough whining out of Horatio WHANZ over there..."

On Whining

Hey, can you watch Whine Gretzky here while I step out for a bongachino?