Less Pennies, More Fun!

If I was reminded of anything over the weekend it was that I can be a brat during a girls night out, and that I also still “have it”.  Of course, when the person you manage to capture the attention of is being paid to capture the attention of every female in his eye-shot, I suppose…I’m just really being an ass.

I should explain before my husband serves me divorce papers or buys a gun.

JC Less Pennies is getting married to Blondie VanJumpsicle.  I renamed him a bit after learning more about how they met.  They have two gorgeous kids that are so sweet my teeth hurt just thinking about them.  Of course, that could be because I really need to book that dentist appointment, but seriously folks, these kids are just amazingly smart and darling.   This family is one of my faves.  For serious I’m gonna keep kissing your ass JC so get comfortable.

It was her bridal shower on Saturday night, and since these guys already have their home established, JC’s very resourceful and creative sister threw a “Naughty & Nice” themed shower.  That way, they get hook up with everything their honeymoon could require and then some…well, I do know one thing they didn’t get.

My guess is, that piece of furniture could wait until the kids have grown and moved out.  See, because even if they put it away and only brought it out to use it, her youngest son is the kind of kid that would find it, her oldest daughter is tall enough that she could hang it up and next thing you know, there would be a kid in each leg hole swinging from the ceiling “Mama! Daddy! Lookit our swing! Heeheeheeeeeee!”

Anyway, after walking around the restaurant/pub offering strangers penis mints and taking pictures of all of JC’s sexy loot, four of us took off for a night of debauchery (JC, her sister, another friend who shall remain nameless under the Daxohol Offenders Act, and myself) with JC’s mom at the Fallsview Casino in Niagara Falls.

I already knew I wasn’t going to win any money so that is not the area where “I still had it”.  I never “had” that to begin with.  I hate gambling.  I hate gambling because I loose and if I ever won, I would still hate it because where were the winnings when I was in REAL financial crisis? Huh?  Moving on.

Casinos make for great people watching.  There isn’t just the gambling addicts that make you want to flash them with a blue pen and send them home with the money to feed their kids, but there are also people just out to have some fun. 

Then there are the entertainers.  One bit of entertainment happened the moment we set foot into the place.  At first I thought I saw a half naked statue.  Then I thought I was looking at a robot wearing nothing but very loose, skirt like pants and weilding a cardboard cut out sword a 7 year old would use for a Viking costume.  Then I realized that he was in fact a real person.  Then I laughed really hard, really loud.  He took notice of me.  This is where the “having it” comes into effect.  He locked eye contact to me. 

This guy’s job was to obviously, silently and mysteriously flirt with females and annoy the males with his muscles while standing on a box.

Ladies and Gentlemen.  I am not one of his many victims.  I am a seasoned improviser. I play “the game in the scene”.  I have visually made love to a Blue Man in Chicago who also thought he could get me to look away in a primal stare down and runaway giggling.

 
He stared at me and followed my movements as we made our way to the other side of the room.  I refused to look away.  This was not about flirting.  I’ve found the golden penis, married it and have no use for any other.  This was about winning and showing that pretty boy whose boss.  He finally broke down and blew me a kiss and broke gaze. DING-DING!

After some of us broke even or lost all our money, we decided to go take a look around.  We had no choice but to walk past Robocock.  He of course spots me in the crowd, locks on gaze and blows me a kiss right away. 

ROUND TWO!  FIGHT!

I returned the kiss.  I decided I’d have mercy on the company I was with and chose not to do what I would have done if I were with my husband, Unckie Ash, Auntie Bernie or especially Evil Unca C.  I opted not to begin a primal mating dance complete with disturbing yowling and signature moves like “The Peacock Twitch” and the “Parrot Bob”.

I wussed out and decided to play it cool and keep the glare.  Then he pointed his pathetic, crooked and bent cardboard sword at me.  I tried in vain not to laugh so obviously.  Then he whipped out…RELAX! He whipped out his secret weapon.  He started flexing his peck.  That was too much.  I burst into hysterical laughter and clung for dear life to JC who was equally dumb-founded by this guy’s clumsy…efforts.  I feel I still won, because I wasn’t giggling in giddy dumbass “ohmigod! He’s so hot” sort of way.  It was quite obviously a “ohmigod, can you believe this?  He looks like Max Headroom and he has A SPRAY-PAINTED CARDBOARD SWORD FOR SHIT SAKE!” kind of laugh.  Is it really in his job description to flex his pecks at people?!  Nice work if you can get it huh?   

After composing ourselves we ran into some of the stores and drooled over purses and shoes.  Cause that’s what good wives drool over.  To our dismay, it was getting late and the shops were trying to close, so we decided at that point to head home.  We made our way to exit.  But not without escaping…

ROUND THREE!  FIGHT!

This time I broke the glare because a laser light show was starting at the crazy space turbine reactor engine thingamabob that I’m sure Unckie Science Bear could label far more accurately than me because he probably has a spare one of these that he slapped together “just in case”.

Technically, I still won that round because I didn’t turn away giggling.  My attentions were demanded on much “brighter” things like lasers and lights.

After the show ended, we all waved goodbye to him.  We were all beating ourselves up for not having a camera.

He motioned for me to go over to him.  I looked at JC.  She shoved me.  I walked over and began sifting through the pile of money burying his feet.  I was thinking the worst.  Was he going to give me cross-bow made out of popsicle sticks? 

He gave me his card.  I would rather have the cross-bow.  I took the card and ran away laughing.  It wasn’t until later in the car when we pulled out the card to make fun of him some more that we realized that he had a website.

So without any further ado… Robocock. 

I bid you adieu, with this little nugget to peruse while you gnaw your arms off in primal shame. www.parisblack.com

I win.

Comments

[wordgirl]

I don't like gambling either. I don't have an issue with it, I just don't get what all the hoopla is about.

[Winda]

Funny that you should mention Paris Black. He was just in my office today to do his income tax, and what a strange income-tax it was:

"Anyway, enough of the day (22) which I have mostly forgotten. Please read the next day (21) . . [stories]and the fun we had with Tax Preparation client, Paris Black. . . [www.parisblack.com]."

Winda,
Poor Mr. Black will live to regret the day he handed you a business card.

[Daxohol]

Winda, for serious? You did his taxes?! Are you pulling my leg here?! If so, I salute life great poetry...too sweet indeed!

[JC Less Pennies]

We do have a swing!!!!!!!!

Oh wait.. it's Fisher Price :P

And Blondie Vanjumpsicle? A HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA. Girl you kick ass!

[Kris]

OMG. That's the funniest post I have read in a long time. I love the sentance "I’ve found the golden penis, married it and have no use for any other." May I use it, please?

Nothing like girls night out...

[Winda]

Of course, my little darlink, I did not, in point of fact, do the taxes of the infamous Mr. Black - but I would very much like to do his taxes. I am sure that he does not declare his tips or other - 'unreported' income.

I have a way of getting this information from people when I take them into the back room of our tax preparation office & when they see the machines that will stretch their spine (the rack) etc then they are very willing to sign the papers and give me the figures that I request from them.

Yes, It would have been a great coincidence if I had done Mr Black's taxes but, alas, it was just my pretend-stor1 Ha! Ha!

[Daxohol]

teehee, I knew it would be too good to be true ;-P

Seriously though, it is not out of the realms of possibity...location and chance are on your side!

[Evil Unca C]

"...or especially Evil Unca C"

Learning you are my Padawan! Your journey to The Darkside is almost complete!

C