Daxohol

Love and Silly Sauce

Note: in our house "Soy Sauce" is "Silly Sauce"

Me: "Would you like some Silly Sauce?"

Dax: "Yes please! I would like some Super Silly Sauce! (I put the silly sauce on his rice and I sit it on the table) I see Super Silly Sauce!"

Me: "I see you are a Super Silly Boy!

Dax: "I see you are a Super loving Mama!"

A Nice Reminder

The assistant who works with a volunteer in the food bank come into my office:

Her: "I have a very strange and unusual request..."

Me: "Ha! Try me!"

Her: "I need a safety pin and some wire cutters"

With a gigantic smile, I hand her a safety pin that was sitting directly on my desk. I then reach over and open my desk drawer and grab a small pair of wire cutters.

Her: "You. Are weird."

I just keep smiling.

Her: "Like, only YOU would have a these items within arms reach."

See, I'm gonna keep her around as MY personal ego booster.  Too bad for her client/my volunteer.  I like her!

Fear & Loathing in Los Poopas

Daxon: "You swiped my syringe!"

Now, I know that sounds like something a two year old heroin addict would say, but the truth of the matter is, he did have a syringe.  As much as we would like to say that we took him for an educational visit to the local clean needle program truck, we actually only went to the doctor to try and figure out a way to solve his butt problem.

Without typing endlessly about my child's pooping behaviour, I'll keep it brief.  Daxon will now be on a medication that should help get rid of the horrid daily trauma of keeping the giant over sized prairie dog in the hole.  So to speak.

So now we are left with that whole "Why on God's green earth did your child have a syringe! You unfit mother, you! To hell you go! HELL HELL HELL!"

Well the doctor gave me two.  One to inject the special serum that causes you to see spider-cats chasing you as you run along a rainbow path on your way to snap a photo of Suri Cruise just to shut everyone up, and one to use as a tool to measure his medicine.  Alright fine, the first one to convince Daxon not to punch her knee cap for examining his butt. 

Which bring us to that whole "Why did you swipe your poor little traumatized boy's syringe you mean mommy!"  Because he was loading it up with spit.  I know what I would want to do if I had a syringe loaded with spit.  I'd want to shoot it at someone.  Well folks, I wasn't going to allow the hit of spit to land on me or Gary.  Unless it was hallucinagenic spit. 

Could you imagine?  The street value of my child's hallucinagenic saliva?

Okay, I'll put down the crack-pipe and get back to work now.

Sound F/X

*no little ears were present for this Daxologue*

Gary was trying to get my attention.  I was ignoring him.

Gary: "DOUCHE!"

Me: "Whoa! Did someone fall?"

Don't Let Them Out...They Only Come Back...

We've had our cat for nearly 7 years...

When we came home last night and opened the door, Gary was the first to set foot in the door and he was met by our cat.  The cat we've had for nearly 7 years.  With all the suprise and shock he could genuinely fabricate, he exclaimed:

"AHHHHHH! What the HELL?!  There's a cat in the house!!"

What was my reaction?  Oh!  Well, falling onto the floor and laughing hysterically for 15 minutes.

Thursday Night Love - Re-Dooooo

Gary: I don't think you understand, If my lust were a metal detector, you would be a giant piece of iron ore...or something...metal...

In A Land No So Very Far Away...

My Prince Charming emerged out of the steamy bathroom, fresh and warm out of the shower.  He stood at the top of the stairs while I at the bottom, tried to get a glimpse of what lingered under the towel.

"Hello Prince Reid..." I say non-chalantly.

"Hey Rapunzel.  Do me a favor? Clean your damn hair out of the drain!"

When asked about her plate of spaghetti...

Auntie Bernie had this to say:

“I can deal with no balls, I just can’t tolerate flimsy noodles.”

What Gary Ends Up Saying When He Can't Swear

"You are an intestinal jettison."

Whispers In The Night

I'm sleeping.  It's 4:30am and Gary gets home from work.

"Do you know where I put my list?"

"hmmmpph..wha? Wha?"

"My list, my list with all the important stuff on it."

"hhmmpfhhff...are you serious?  Your waking me up to ask me where your list is?"

"I can't find it"

"Then look for it, or alternately, go to hell."

"Well, you know what they say..."

"what?"

"Shut up Laura!"