Daxohol

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Detecting Stupidity...Hopefully for the Last Time

Guess who's smoke detector is running (or has already) out of battery power?  Guess what it's doing quite LOUDLY every 15 minutes? BEEP!

GUESS WHO SEEMS TO ENJOY THE RANDOM LOUD FUCKING BEEPING?!

Daxon stirs everytime.  This last beep nearly woke him up to the point where I'd have to go in and put him back to sleep.  You better believe I will bang on their door at any hour tonight to address this situation if Dax wakes up because of them enjoying themselves.

Why the fuck would you not address that?  How the fuck can you sit there and do nothing about loud beeping in your house? I mean, it's loud from down here, I can just imagine how loud it is up there!  I swear!  Are they that stupid they don't know how to fix it?  Are they that stupid that they are having fun playing "Count the Beeps"?

Three more sleeps.  Three more sleeps.  Three more sleeps.

November 23, 2004 in THE SWISS FAMILY STUPID | Permalink | Comments (1) | TrackBack (0)

Shut. Up.

Just because time is running out for me to milk the shit out of The Swiss Family Stupid, I have decided to delight or annoy you with some venom.

Allow me for a moment to talk about Daughter Stupid.

This past summer, when Father Stupid was in jail, Mama Stupid thought it would be a great idea to have 14 year old Niece Stupid to come over and watch over Daughter Stupid (11) while she went to work. To simply describe Niece Stupid, she looks like she REALLY wants to be Avril Livigne.  She also carried that extremely cliche and rebel conformative "I'm only happy when it rains" demeanor.  Niece Stupid arrived every morning at 7:30am.  At precisely 8:00am, when Mama Stupid left the house, Niece Stupid commenced the daily ritual of blasting at top volume the same three Avril Livigne songs over and over.  Then she would invite three friends over. Then the yelling and screaming began.  Not the usual yelling and screaming that Daughter Stupid did when she had difficulty tying her shoe or had to take a bath, but random pointless yelling and screaming that will escape from three young teen and pre-teen females with no adults with any strong parenting skills around to shut them up.

Now, I try to keep a cool report with the young.  However, after being up all night with a crying baby, and for the love of god we both needed to sleep even for only 20 minutes, maintaining that cool report looked a little more like me holding my pee in my full bladder and trying to look happy with it.  Which is so not cool.  Needless to say, my attempts to ask for a bit of quiet so that my baby and I could sleep where met with smug "Oh yeah sure"s and followed up 10 minutes later with more yelling and screaming.   

Daxon wouldn't nap in his bed at the time and the couch was the only place he'd nap.  So, once the screaming died down a bit, he would settle enough to sleep.  Little Daxon, peacefully snoozing next to me. That is when they would move outside on the porch.  Right in front of my living room window. Right beside the couch.  Only a sheet of glass was separating us, from them.  A scream would emit from a little shit's mouth and Daxon would be startled awake and scream back at them.  Really, it's at at me.  Because they are outside screaming, and do not have to deal with the screaming baby.

This lasted for two days before I ratted them out.  That's right, I ratted them out.  Little shits.  They can't live life being little shits without being called on the fact that they are little shits.  Not on my watch.  So I told Mama Stupid about the screaming and the Avril Livigne and Niece Stupid was never seen "babysitting" ever again.

Did the screaming stop? No! Why would it?  Daughter Stupid was the QUEEN screamer.  There was no escaping her. UNTIL NOW! MUAHAHAHA!!

For the last month though, the screaming has become a bit less frequent.  Perhaps her vocal chords have been scarred so badly she simply cannot scream on a constant basis anymore.  But don't worry, she managed to continue to annoy and disturb our lives by blasting, of all songs, "Shut Up" by Black-Eyed Peas.

Poetry? Or just a cruel cruel joke from God?

November 17, 2004 in THE SWISS FAMILY STUPID | Permalink | Comments (0) | TrackBack (0)

What Will I Do

When I can't write about The Swiss Family Stupid?  I mean, I think I have actually found a reason to miss these morons.  They supply me with so much constructive rage! 

Really though, I can accept the winds of change because the cons severely out-weight the single pro.

Soon the saga of TSFS will come to an end.  But not yet, it's been a couple days.  We still have 19 days.  I anticipate the next wave of idiocy.  I just hope there will not be some sort of grand finale.

November 06, 2004 in THE SWISS FAMILY STUPID | Permalink | Comments (0) | TrackBack (0)

The Swiss Family Stupid's Death Wish 2

The Swiss Family Stupid strikes again. Suprised? I'm not either. I was just informed by my next door neighbour that our back door (which has direct access to our basement) was left WIDE OPEN. Both doors. Screen and Wood. Wide open. For any theif, psycho, cat, dog, raccoon, squirrel or chimpanzee to freely waltz in and waltz out with whatever or whomever they please.

WHO WOULD BE SO FUCKING GOD DAMN SHIT ASS STUPID!

The Swiss Family Stupid that's damn fuck who.

Wow.

Wow man.

Wow.

November 02, 2004 in THE SWISS FAMILY STUPID | Permalink | Comments (1) | TrackBack (0)

The Swiss Family Stupid's Death Wish

Today, they where trying to:
a) Kill me
b) Get themselves killed
c) Kill whatever it was they were BANG BANG BANG BANG BANG BANG BANG BANG BANG BANG BANG BANG BANG BANG BANG BANGING on the floor with a hammer for 2 hours straight at 10:00am.

WHAT THE FLYING HELL where they hammering on the floor that required 2 full hours of hammering?! Where they building a Trogan Horse? A house inside the house? A bridge? A SPACESHIP?! Where trying to hide weapons of mass destruction? What the fuck could be so important that it required hammering for 2 hours?!

Because of my fear of just losing it on these people, I will never actually find out. It will remain a mystery. Because if I ever do find out, whatever it is, will be so unimportant, so un-needing of 2 hours worth of hammering that I will just have to take a hammer and bang their heads with it! I'd hammer in the morning, I'd hammer in the evening, all over this land, I'd hammer out danger, I'd hammer out a warning, I'd hammer out love, between, my brothers and my sisters, AAAAAAALLLLLLL OVER THIS LAND!!!!!!!

October 31, 2004 in THE SWISS FAMILY STUPID | Permalink | Comments (0) | TrackBack (0)

Top Ten Things I Will Not Miss About This Wretched Dump

10. The kitchen floor that never looks clean.
9. The excessively creaky floors.
8. The mice skittering in the ceiling in Daxon's room late at night when I am feeding him in the dark.
7. The terrifying and threatening gurgling noise that my sink pipes make when The Swiss Family Stupid pulls the plug from their sink.
6. The fear that the ceiling just might fall through from The Swiss Family Stupid's children wrestling at 1:00am.
5. The centipedes that greet me EVERYTIME I go downstairs to do laundry.
4. The cat shit that greets me right in front of the washing machine and dryer from The Swiss Family Stupid's cat.
5. The un-neccesary and blood curdling shrieking of The Swiss Family Stupid's 11 year old daughter.
4. The Swiss Family Stupid's stealing of our cable.
3. The repeated flooding in my kitchen from The Swiss Family Stupid that destroys hundreds of dollars of food that I do not get reimbursed for.
2. Lord PooHead.
1. The Swiss Family Stupid.

October 28, 2004 in DOMICILE FROM HELL, THE SWISS FAMILY STUPID | Permalink | Comments (0) | TrackBack (0)

Lord Poohead and The Swiss Family Stupid

WE FOUND A NEW PLACE TO LIVE!!! Everything in it is BRAND NEW! It's a 2 bedroom townhouse with a basement. It freaking kicks so much ass I can't shit. "But Laura, why are you so out of control excited?" you may be asking. Well, allow me tell you.

It's sad because when we first found our current residence, I was so excited!! The location is perfect! We are on the main floor, 3 bedrooms, nice big front porch and a nice big backyard! Yay! Lord Poohead told us when we signed the lease that we can go ahead and move in early since the place was vacant, and also so that we could save money on mover's rates (since it would not be at the first of the month). So, the last week of January comes and we phone her to tell her we plan on moving in that week. "Ohhh, well, I'll have to come up with a dollar amount for that extra week rental." So let me get this straight, the money we where to save on the movers was so that she could get it. This would prove to be the beginning of very long line of bullshit occurances including a duct cleaning that resulted in 1/4 inch coating of 80 year old dust blanketing everything I own 2 weeks before I gave birth.

Let me elaborate for a bit on the character of this woman. She is a rich arrogant cheapskate who suffers from Echolalia (a disorder that causes a person to mouth simultaniously what the other person is saying and/or try to finish their sentences). To worsen things, she talks to anyone who rents like a small mentally challenged child. Because we all know that if you do not own your own home on lake front property, you are white trash and you don't reed an rite so gud.

My theory is that she bought this house after ordering Mr. Fink's Get Rich Quick Property Program after staying up too late. So, in Mr. Finks program, he tells his aspiring millionaires that by becoming a slumlord, you can earn thousands in extra income MONTHLY! *eyebrow raise - wink* How do you do it Mr. Fink??!! How could I make thousands of dollars a month by buying another house?! Well, to start, don't buy anything new. All appliances should be plucked from the trash. That way you don't have any expensive overhead outside the basic mortgage and property tax. Second, find a man in your circle of friends to be your own "Handyman", and when he doesn't want to do it, get your idiot husband to tinker around with shit until it's in peices. Also, when professional jobs you figure just HAVE to be done (like duct cleaning), hire Larry, Curly and Moe off the street.

Hope that paints a stupid enough picture.

When we first moved in, we had AWESOME neighbors. They where from Vancouver. The guy was originally from England and had this great accent. He and Gary would go out to Buddy's Pub a.k.a "Moe's" and 'ave a pint. They were great. Super nice, super cool. Then they bought a house and our dear sweet neighbors moved. That is when The Swiss Family Stupid moved in. I feel sorry for the mother because she is a nice lady that has to deal with everything. I really could dealve deeper...but if I did, and the father managed to locate this blog, we would have knives shoved up our asses like he threatened someone else and served 40 days in jail for just this summer. Ya got me? Anyway, living below these people has proven to be too much for me. I can deal with waking up to my 6 month old baby crying. What I CANNOT deal with is waking up to an 11 year old girl shrieking and screaming at the TOP OF HER LUNGS because her shoe lace is in a knot, her hair is too tangly or her sweater isn't where she left it.

You get the idea.

Anyway, our move is scheduled for Nov. 15th. I am as happy as cow being milked about this.

Rather, more like, happier than a Lion eating a Zebra.

October 04, 2004 in DOMICILE FROM HELL, THE SWISS FAMILY STUPID | Permalink | Comments (1) | TrackBack (0)

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